the waiting sucks

boy does it suck waiting to here ok i am i the states you can pick me up this time and date!!but its coming soon and i am so ready!! he said he is trying to take as much time as possible so he doesnt have to leave before christmas :)

other then that i hate my job but finally went to the higher ups about the guy i work with who spends a good amount smoking and tuesday napped!! ya you read that right napped for a good amount of the shift while i did the work! so i vented to the pharmacist and she was just as annoyed!

well r&r thank god is soon then we move to michigan then we start to figure out the welcome home and moving back to hawaii

ahhhh atleast we dont have to deal with the ball and that drama! some wives need a smack!

another birthday deployed

yup today is my 30 birthday and the hubby is deployed! suprise suprise... he called but has to do his job so it sucks cause instead of a fun happy birthday its one where all i wanna do is cry...

no many friends/family remembered even with facebook telling you but i guess that shows i am unimportant and always have been... just trying to get thru the rest of today and tonite without crying which so far hasnt been the easiest... cried while skyping with the hubby... i wish i could tell him how depressed i am and that every day i think about smashing my car into a tree :( i know i should see someone but i dont want to be put on meds just in case i do get pregnant during r&r... i love my daughter more then anything and i hope i am not making her antisocial... next year i am gonna put her in daycare so she can play with kids and i am not there... she does at the gym right now but a few times i have seen her play by herself next to kids (read that is normal for 2 but so stresses me out i am doing a bad job)...
beening going to the gym alot but i dont notice much difference, trainer says he does so lets hope he is right! i have realized if i do jumping jacks i will pee myself if i dont go the bathroom immediately! lol the price of having a baby i guess

well other then that nothing has been going on much... jsut preparing for r&r- vegas and a roadtrip to hubbys family... hopefully it goes well... well back to hanging with my monkey before work (you on my birthday)

this day can go faster i have no problems even just skipping it all together... even as a kid i wished i wasnt born you would think this feeling would go away but nope...


stay safe my love we are almost done

been a bit

sorry things have been cyrazy! i started working 10pm to 8am i know i am crazy... then i come home and take care of my daughter (its only 4 days so its not that bad plus its extra money for our family!) i also started going to the gym! i even started seeing a trainer 3 days a week... my goal is to get is great shape by decemeber which the trainer said is a great possiblity!! i have been doing spin, pilates, and yoga each kicking my ass!! monkey still does her two classes one being dance which she loves both! in the am at the gym if i go there is daycare so she plays with kids and at nite hangs with my parents... then if its a work day her and i hang out and snuggle before she goes to bed and i head to work...

with the hubby, the missions have increased and longer outtings :( but doesnt seem to be as many blackouts!!(knocking on wood)... today we skyped till he got kicked off and he told me he cant reenlist till next year due to all the changes the military is doing, also if they make him redue the selection process of sf he is not sure he wants to or even stay in! i freaked out!! i know i shouldnt have but i did cause he still has a year and i have no desire to return and live in hawaii for a year! plus if we get pregnant (and not lose the baby) i will completely stressed over what will happen and where we will go! before the deployment he talked about staying in till retirement (it use to be till they kicked him out) cause no point in getting out if by his time up it will be 9 years so why not stay in for 20... i said thats fine and was even fine with special forces... he wouldnt deploy for 2 1/2 years cause of training and going medic meant he would have medical background and could do emt or actually go to school and maybe be a doctor (if he wanted)... of course today he says well i can be a cop! hellz no no way!! i liked the idea of moving near campbell and being close but not extremely close to family... and with the military we have security- housing, paycheck, insurance, food!! yes the hours suck sometimes and he misses time with us but that could happen in any job maybe not as long time away but still!! i honestly dont know i wish we could have talked more but he couldnt get back on i guess or was too annoyed with the getting signed off... so hopefully he will call/text while at work and we can just look at some pros and cons... maybe we should wait til r&r but i still think staying in even if its only till 10 year mark is better then getting out at 9 years?? right???

ugh i dont know i just needed to get it out... now its till to snuggle and put away laundry before work :(

close to half way done!!

so we are almost half way thru this deployment!! so excited and so ready for our next adventure or more so my own place!!!

not that i am not loving sharing a room with a two year old and all the bills we wont have after this deployment, i still am so ready for my own space...

not having my own space i feel like i have become a bad mommy :( i know you should never compare kids or paenting skills/actions with others but lately i look at my friends and see some major differenced! i have one friend who is basically june cleaver of the 21st centery! i know if i really tried harder and maybe was so stressed with a deployment i could actually get to where she is at! then i have another friend who does none of the mothering things (so she says) like change a diaper, clean, ect! crazy i know but i guess her hubby is OCD so he does it all!! i have realized lately my temper is short and my stress is high and i really have no one who understands what i am going thru! all my old friends (high school) are either still single and living like they are 20 and sometimes are annoyed i dont (sorry i like being there/feel the need to put my daughter to bed and be home when she wakes up!) then theres the friends that are married or in a serious relationship and want to do couple things and then try to invite me like i really wanna be third wheel! (then i am a bad unsupportive friend)! my other group of friends i met during college and they are some awesome people but they were my bar friends, liek literally we would always be drinking! i honestly dont drink like i use to and yes sometimes a drink is nice but not the hammered sleep in next day (cause i dont get to sleep in)! yes a few are married and starting their families but dont really understand my life style... that is the problem with most of my friends, they dont understand how i can deal with the hubby being gone (which seriously is the most annoying comment i have ever heard!) i know they dont say it to be mean and try but comparing being single and my situation is so not even close i dont have the choice to have my husband here if i want and being single sometimes is a choice!

i stopped talking to one friend who was suppose to be my best friend since he decided a relationship was way more important then friendship! even though he said it would never be that way guess i should never set up friends cause it will bite me in the ass in the end!

then theres the military wives... some are very nice, some are just very immature, some seem like they are just friends cause our spouses are together and lately that seems what i run into alot... so i have kinda just started spending alot of time by myself...

it sucks i would love things to be normal but my life will never be normal! i a married to the military, friends come and go and sometimes they will be the ones that just like convient friends or friends that can mae them feel better about themselves :(

anyways back to the title we are almost at r&r and i cant wait! we may go see his family for a few days, definitely going to vegas (my sister is gonna watch our daughter) and then just chill and relax as a family!! then he will go back :( but it will only be for a short time then this deployment will eb over and we will start our new life in Bragg!! which i am so ready for!!

ok well sick monkey and lunch time :(

getting closer

so we are less then 100 days till R&R and i cant wait! 5 more paid periods till he is home even if its only for a short time... just so ready to find out what will happen

got my cards read the otehr day and the lady said i keep my husband alive! seriously do i need that added into my stress and i need to sleep more and do something for myself 30 minutes aday... obviously she doesnt know what its like to have someone in a war zone and a toddler!! working on the sleep (or trying) and i want to start working out gotta get in shape before the hubby comes home just in case we have anothe baby...

other then that nothing much going on... the hurricane was just wind and rain thankfully we had power the whole time unlike many others... school got pushed back so my sister and mom are home every day so potty training put on hold for another week... other then that we just play and wait for our soldier to come online since they lost internet in their rooms it may be another month till its back :( stupid army

oh well back to being a mommy... sorry for the long break with no writing and definitely gotta catch up on reading!! will start tonite :)

Mini Road trip and thinking way too much

so monkey and i went on a mini roadtrip to see everyone i havent seen and that wanted to met her!

well our first stop (much needed get away) was a fellow army wife in Michigan... it was ok, some drama in her family but i guess everyone has their issues, just now i know why she is the way she is... monkey had a playmate and they enjoyed playing together for the most part... then it was off to the mother in laws! which was fun... her other granddaughter was there (step daughter;s daughter) and we did a photoshoot and now i some cute prof pics of my princess!! poor monkey got sick! but all was pretty good... met more of my mil's side, all very nice! then we saw my hubbys aunt judy... now she is a trip and decided to let me know she was mad at me for leaving the funeral of her mother (hubbys great grandmother) but we fought and i was just so mentally and emotionally drained... she also told me she loves me cause my hubby does, kinda felt like someone punched me but atleast she is honest... well the only bad thing was my daughters godfather was suppose to come see her (he still hasnt met her!) so his first excuse was he didnt wanna drive 2 hrs ok i guess i understand he does work alot... well then i said how about we met for dinner half way... he said ya that works and had it all planned out with my brother in law and sister in law... well sil got a job so she didnt know what her schedule would be (understandable) bil sucks at answering his phone but he did make the 2 hr drive earlier in the week and said he felt bad... 6pm the god father texts sorry just got out (didnt mention he decided to work overtime again) and was too tired to do dinner... so i basically was upset and hurt and told the hubby i am done trying, honestly what did i expect he lives with the hubbys dad and we hate each other! oh and my debt card numbers got stolen but USAA was awesome and stopped the charges and even sent me a new card! (to where i was not even to my address)

anyways after that drove to virginia and flew to florida... had a great time visiting my friend michele and her beautiful daughter! we had a great time and i got to met her babys daddy who seemed to step up after my visit (i think he was upset i babysat his daughter instead of his mom)...

after leaving florida i went back to virginia and saw a few friends in fairfax and virginia beach! definitely a great visit there... bon fires, drinks, just hanging out, plenty of girl time!! it was nice except for a high school friend i set up with a friend from virginia... she decided to show up on tues instead of thurs when we were kidding around about it... well basically my friend in virginia i didnt get to see except for him picking me up at the airport! so basically i havent talked to either one of them and kinda dont plan on it! yes i know its childish but i wanted to be able to spend time with my friends with no relationship crap involved... guess its a mistake i have to live with... i also had drinks with my ex and we fixed alot of things and he even told me that he did want to marry but didnt want me to expect it... he is happy i am happy and doesnt want to wreck it or ever hurt me like he did! crazy wha 6 years does to people!!

ok with this roadtrip i did alot of driving so i had alot of thinking i could do... so wish i didnt... basically it was what if i never called carissa the morning i went in labor and just did it myself? what if i never moved? what if i didnt get a job? maybe my hubby would have never question being married to me? maybe i wouldnt have lost the second baby? maybe not letting people that pretended like we were friends in our house would have been the best...

so basically i would have had my daughter alone but then no one would have been in my house and no one would have tried to make my daughter theres and decide who could hold her! if we moved into the orginally house they offered us maybe i would not have worked and maybe even if we still didnt take the house but when i moved on post i just didnt have them move me... yes i wouldnt have had my baby furniture or couches but we could have found something else... maybe not working then i would have had a happier husband... obviously way too much thinking... i love my husband and wish things were different but i had to move home and it was the best idea... i should have put our stuff in storage in hawaii and not so stubborn and wanted what i did home... guess i may be moving back to hawaii for a few months until the hubby gets orders just gotta fnd a place :(

well i guess that sums up my past month... hubby finally got internet in his room which is nice cause we can talk longer with no creepers!!

well time to end this long entry hope i didnt bore too many! almost 1/2 thru this deployment!

put your big girl panties on

Seriously the most annoying thing someone can say to anyone! so this is something that keeps coming up with military families espically if a spouse decides to move home! honestly i moved home and it had nothing to do with not being able to be a big girl! i have done 2 deployments without going home but as a couple my husbnd and i felt moving home would be best! we wanted our daughter to get to know ou family and honestly living in hawaii it wasnt gonna happen... plus if i needed a break i didnt trust anyone anymore due to issues that came up... so yes i moved home and we are saving tons of money and i can get a job if i want and have help or get a break and leave my daughter with someone i trust!

i think people who use that statement of why someone shouldnt move home needs a kick! just because someone moves home doesnt mean i cant survive a deployment alone. yes i knew marrying my soldier he would deploy and i would be by myself! my daughter is not in school so this is the perfect time to be able to come home and let her get to met our famlies!

honestly i know it should not bug me but when other military wives say it it even pisses me off more! yes i am having problems at home but we (my parents and i) had a conversation with understanding before i came home but things during the summer changed and my daughters schedule keeps getting messed up so ya arguements start and i wonder did i make a mistake?!?! obviously moving back to my family and friends was right for me but maybe not my parents house i dont know almost time for a road trip and it cant come soon enough!

ok now that is off my chest time to wait for the hubby to call (since its been almost 4 days) and get this money to pee on the potty!

might a long one

ok so you have been warned i have been gone for a few days mostly just trying to stay busy and havent really been on the computer (including facebook!) for more then a few minutes to check email and what not...

ok so finally after 8 days heard from the hubby! he is ok for the most part, basically just pushing any emotions down so he wont have to think about it and can do his job, i just hope he deals with it and it doesnt come out at a bad time! i found out he was there when the medic died! he had one of his soldiers get hurt and is now coming home (i knew he got hurt cause his dumbass posted it)! seriously soldiers blow my mind sometimes!! also another medic he is friends wih got hurt and today got hurt again, nothing major just some "bling" as he referred to it! so now my husband is even more short on guys down to 5 now!! how is this safe??!? we found out 3 died in that weekend one being a Lt. very heartbreaking cause his wife is deployed with him and literally had just waved bye to him (sad story made me cry)...

4th of july weekend, a couple of friends of mine and my daughter went up to the carnival and enjoyed some rides (ok 1 ride) since she is small and cant go on by herself but she loved the cairasol (sp?) she didnt want to get off!! then i let her fun around and play in the grass and dance to the band... my friend let her play one of the games, you pick a duck and win a prize no matter what duck you pick, she got a sliding noise toy (no horn here- i am a smart parent!)... then we headed to the fireworks and enjoyed a mister lemon! oh how i missed you mister lemon with a pretzel!! yummy just the thought and my monkey had her first try and loved it too!! the fireworks were awesome and monkey danced around and was in complete ahhhh of them! seriously during the finally she covered her mouth like oh my god!! so cute :) then the next day we just chilled at home, monkey went to church with my parents and we hung outside in her kiddie pool and of course skyped with daddy :) on the actual 4th we went to my friend house and did a mini bbq!! (mini cause it was just the 3 of us, which honestly was fun and i got my potato salade fix!) then we headed off to another set of fireworks... these ones were earlier and louder! poor monkey didnt like them and put her blanket over her head and covered her ears :( not sure if the hubby will want to go next year espically after this dpeloyment!? but hopefully we will be in bragg so we can drive up to va and go to my friends annual bbq that we missed the past few years (only been to the 1st one!) but its a blast and i get to see my friends who love me for me!

yesterday went to the chiropracter who was mad at me for not calling him the day my jaw locked, like no eatting barely talking from the stress of the unknown! so he cracked me and fixed my jar and back and i am feeling alot better!!

today i went to the dentist to see about braces... basically i have an overbite that i am not happy with.. i tried invalsign but it only can do so much :( so i had a few choices- remove teeth to get rid of the over bite, braces on top and bottom but no guarntee it will actually be perfect because i am an adult, major surgery, or just put them on the top and straighten my teeth and just deal with the overbite... thinking about the last choice but its almost $3000 so gotta see what the hubby thinks...

i will be going on a mini vacation soon, monkeys bithday is soon terrible twos here we come! and i may have ajob 3rd shift!! i am kinda of excited about the job i just want extra money to pay of bills quicker and maybe even have alittle more money put away... i think once we get taxes again (yes i think this far ahead) it will be used to pay off student loans (dont use sallie mae u will never pay themoff even if u pay more then the minium!) and our 2 cars/trucks should be paid off by next year too :) so i am ok with this deployment bills are disappearing and that is about the only good thing!

i miss the hubby so much and yesterday when i asked what he wanted he said me which i didnt get at first then it finally hit me and i wanted to cry (a good cry)!! he sometimes says and does the nicest things it makes me love him more!

well its almost monkeys bed time and i know i am probably boring some of you.. honestly my life is not all exciting and drama... sadly i advoid what i can and is a major reason i moved home, plus saving money, and so our daughter can get to know our family! so maybe i will write more later or in a couple days, maybe something exciting will happen! oh ya got new tires today my dad thinks i overpaid but the guy said they will last longer then my other ones plus are better in the snow! so who knows

:)

beaten up and broken

so supposely the blackout is lifted but why would my husband call and say the 3 easiest words in english that after this weekend i needed most!?!??!
how do i know well cause a "friend" messaged me and was like my husband called but he used someone cells and snuck to call there is still a blackout... thanks thats what i need to hear.. but dont worry all the guys are back and urs is ok well he is not ok till i hear him say it sorry but that is just how i feel... so as i sit here and wait she continues to tell me things that her husband told her like how he is afraid but wont say it to anyone cause he doesnt wanna look like a sissy... he also told her exactly what happened to a guy who got killed! like seriously why would you tell your wife that i dont care how supportive she is it is so not right! suposely her husband played dead next to a dead guy for 4 hours while waiting since they were going to help other injured soldiers! ya so i just kinda didnt know what to say except that she needs to tell someone and he needs to come home and get help!

so now i just sit here and wait thinking why did she tell me everything she heard!? do i seem like someone who wants to hear that? or does she want me to say something to someone so he will get help?? i have some friends (not in the company but army wives0 tell me i should say something but as far as i know i am the only one she told and i dont want her to think she cant trust me! ugh

so i guess i will wait i have a friend who is not deployed who i am gonna send the message to and he is gonna tell me to either call someone or not and then i will also wait for chris... with the time difference it just doesnt matter

and to top this week off my jaw is fucking killing me worse then anything and i am not seeing my chiropractor for 2 weeks cause of the 4th...so i cant really talk or anything :(

breaking point

everyone has their beaking point and this weekend i reached mine, actually today i reached mine... after the first issue with the frg and trying to talk to them (useless) then talking with the frsa that got resolved or so i thought... funny thing everythign i said was an issue has now by changed... then today i broke... after hearing yesterday from one wife what happened over there, reading peoples fb status and comments, then having the frg leader call me today saying well we first had to talk to all the wives on island you guys off are second comings! seriously if i could choke u i would! then i had a chat with the CO!! ugh he just let me explode and all it did was make me more mad... askign me what should i do about it then say well i think everything is going very well! i freaked and said i would like your bosses name and number! so finally talked to the major and he seemed a little more understanding and wanting things to be better unless he was just blowing smoke up my ass.. fingers crossed thats not the case...

so now i am at the point where i just over the unit, deployment, and just happy i am not in hawaii cause if i was rear de would have probably been destroyed! ugh can we have it be next yea already and we go to special forces training i know it wont be perfect but atleast i wont have to be dealing with 1000 wives who all need to just be for each other and not thinking they are better cause of the order of info was handed

ugh just want the blackout lifted :(

make that 14

ya terrible i know... figures i check the page and another gets added... and this one was our company... i feel terrible but the way i found out was even worse!

so there is a blackout obviously... a few guys somehow got on their fbs and posted i am ok just got some new bling and other stuff to that nature... so i knew there was atleast one... then the rear de called the frg leaders (idiots) into his office and told them we have a death, so they went to an frg function and told wives who then preceeded to call wives not there! me being a wife not there go tthis call...

so today i get a call from the frg leader who knew i was extremely annoyed... i told her it is inappriopate for you to be calling me with a list and i will be calling the CO... yes i realized someone died and my husband is okay but this is completely wrong! jmo

anyways i called the CO and put it out there that the protocal cant keep changing it should be the same every incident! and that soldiers posting shit i knew soemthing happened... so he was useless so i asked fo his bosses name and number

called the major! yup and he listen to me and was less of an ass (imo) when it came to what i felt like he shoudl do... honestly we have two frg leaders who dont belong there they need to go! and the protocol should be the same and everyone should know it! also news of a death or injury should not be given at a function when you know people will get phone calls who are not there! i also mentioned how i have new wives to the amy call me before the frg and that shouldnt happen i dont mind helping with what i can but it should be the frg not someone miles away! he agreed and said he was gonna have a meeting to go over these issues... hahah bye dumbass people (hopefully)

now lets hope the hubby doesnt kill me for swearing at the major and mentioning my miscariage, not sure why i did but i told him and he asked if i had a support system and i said a much better one then i would have had in hawaii! friends, family, and close army wives that i was with during my first deployment... i think i just added more stress in his day but not my problem i am getting a stress migrane from this unit, which i said over and over i hate this unit and cant wait to go sf!

ugh lets hope speaking up gets change! and my husband doesnt kill me

June 22, 2011

So today i missed a call from the hubby and since he is out doing his job who knows when i will hear from him... i didnt think he was gonna call cause he said he would be out of touch so if i didnt hear from him on thursday i figured it would be when he got back :( should learn to keep the phone with me at all times no matter what!!

so for some reason i decided to look at the battlions website of fallen heroes... actually i know why there was a debate on the group fb page about some stupid wife seeing it on the news before an email was sent out... well his family was notified and the soldier was not part of our group but unit? i dont know the right terms but i get why we didnt get an email, seriously if we got an email about every injury or death there would be one probably every day rather then once a week! sadly!! i am happy this is not the case there is enough emails i get on a daily base...

so back to the fallen soldiers, our guys have been gone ALMOST 3 months (key word almost)) and we have had 13 deaths one being a medic! i just am so shocked and kinda scarried this deployment is tough besides not having a great group of women i had the first deployment there is just alot of oh my god moments with our guys and stupid wives who this is their fist deployment and every news article or report they jump on!!

honestly i just want my husband home safe!! so if you are the praying type keep them in your prays, all these families going through a deployment right now no matter where they are iraq, afghanistan, africa, whereever doesnt matter being away from your family sucks and the phone calls here and there on news is hard...

ugh well dinner time gotta figure something out since i dont think the chicken is thawed and my dad is not here...

been a bit

its been a few days since i written and before that much longer... nothing really exciting going on... kidville ends next monday for the monkey :( she has started to really love it there but we head out on our road trip to see family and friends end of july thru august... still have heard nothing from the job at the hotel maybe i will call tomorrow?? i guess i am just afraid if i get it i will miss so much of my monkey's life... i dont know but it would be nice to have extra money and bills aid off quicker!! and in the end thats the goal right?

hubby and i are doing okay... we talk when we can... he loved the pinata i sent him :) i forgot to ask him how he liked the foot and hand prints? well hopefully he will call tomorrow so we can talk before he cant talk for a few days...

b12 has been helping with the exhaustion and so has the ensure but i dont like vaniella and now after i told my mom she can drink them she mentioned that was all my nana had before she pasted away, cause thats what i wanted to think about- thanks mom!

still unsure what i will be doing for monkeys birthday maybe elmo or agent oso?? nothing big just family and some friends and then we head to see the hubbys family so maybe another party there... i am praying we dont end up with a ton of toys! her box is filled and one bedroom with the two of us is just not big enough!! but i guess we will see...

well gotta figure out dinner (most likely left overs) so i will write more at another time... stay safe babe we love and miss you, you are our hero!

today is not my day :(

so last nite it took almost 2 hours to get my monkey to bed! seriously i was going insane!! finally got her to go down then she started crying in her sleep at 1am! she has been doing this the past few nites and it goes on for an hour... i finally gave up and brought her in bed with me till she head butted my face then it was back to her bed! then of course she was up before 7am!! ugh

so then my sister texts me she needs me to bring her her backpack to school with pads... awesome cause its raining so i so want to leave and go do this... so we get back and the hubbys said i will be on at 10am (my time) to skype.. woohoo i waited an hour before he got on!! just so you know the waiting kills ya!! and watching the phone and skype does not make him call faster or help when u have to pee!!

so we were chatting and then the internet on his end went out, this was after about 10 mins of trying to get the headphones to work which didnt so it was just typing and seeing each other... which worked fine honestly!! so we were talking only about 10 minutes when it went out and he never came back on :( never got to tell him i love him, miss him be safe adn no voluntarying... yes he knows all of this but i am superstitious and it is something i have to say along with talk to later (never goodbye)... i may be a dork but i am his dork and he loves me for it!

so now i am waiting almost 3 hours later and he must have gave up and went to bed :( guess he needs the rest

my friend who i love dearly just texted me she is having a girl... i am very happy for her but sad at the same time.. if i didnt lose the baby in a few weeks i would be texting everyone too! but instead i sit alone with my secret only a few close friends know and try not to cry... then of course after i read her text i realize r&r is when i would be due :( but of course i wont be... so maybe we will get pregnant during r&r obviously if i do i wont be posting it... it will be a secret till 20 weeks on blog, page, ect i have!

ugh lets hope today gets better suppose to go out with friends tonite and have a few drinks but we will see... i will go but i am kinda sad and feel guilty i always tell the hubby and he doesnt know yet :( i know he wont care i am just a dork like that

well fingers crossed today gets better

stay safe babe i love you so much!

spoiled

i wish!! lol

so the past few times the hubby and i talked its been like a few days in a row and then only like 3 days off which is ok but atleast he is finally working on the communication!! tuesday i missed his skype cause i was at the doctors :( i am fine just had to redue my fun exam (ladies u know what i am talking and sorry if that is tmi-but its my blog)... but we were able to email back and forth for a bit! the day before that he had called to let me know he was ok and it was wicked late for him but he wanted me to know he was safe :) that felt so good to hear! but then of course my mind starting wondering if something happened! so we skyped again yesterday and i loved seeing his face and smile :) and so did our monkey she kept giving him kisses!! <3 then i realized the camara was boobs and face and the hubs thought he was funny and pretended to be grabbing them, atleast i know he is still attracted to me :) so today he is suppose to just call sucks seeing his face is always better but that just means i dont have to wait by the computer i can get shit done and just carry my phone around! yes i have skype on my phone but the calling i dont think works since its only 3g but i can type so if i have to do something we can always type back and forth!

so excited i found a jogging stroller that the person is selling for $80! it looks like its in great condition and if i am correct its usually like a $300 stroller!! she said she only used it a few times so if the hubby is cool with it i am getting it today!! then on to getting healthy! i plan to start taking b12 and drinking ensure to give me better energy which lately i so need!! i also plan to start taking prenatal pills to help with getting healthier and maybe even help my hair and nails grow some more... i do need to get a hair TRIM yes trim not a cut!! i love my long hair i am just not meant to have short hair (in my opinion)...

anyways its suppose to be an extrmemly hot day 90+ ugh which even living in hawaii there wasnt humidity like here is mass so hopefully i dont die!! monkey has a new pool since my brother and sister's dogs ate her first one... so hopefully today will be fun

cant wait for my call from the hubs!!

thoughts

its memorial day and i really and truly proud to be an army wife... with all those who have fallen i thank them for their greatest sacrifice...

so now that i got that out what the post was really suppose to be about...

this deployment has been very rough with an email almost every week about a causality or injury its makes trying to communicate extremely difficult... so not being able to talk makes me wonder if we can survive this deployment or how we will survive special forces training... thankfully i have finally about to tell the hubby so he knows and he says he understands... he is trying we have talked the past few days and he told me whats going on and why he hasnt called much... which the knowing totally stresses me out... i really want him safe and home :(

i just pray everyday nothing happens to him cause i dont know what i will do... i know i shouldnt think about that but with him on patrol alot, one of his guys getting hurt, and just all the other bad things happening to is company/unit as a whole... just so ready for this year to hurry up and be over!

honestly i keep wondering how will we make our life work if i am completely unsure about being an army wife! this deployment is so not making it very easy! i could not see myself with anyone else and i hope he feels the same way, i think he does... i just dont know why i am so needy this deployment! i wasnt even like this last deployment when i was pregnant this is just not me i am usually so much better and stronger :(

well gonna go cry i think maybe go to bed early this cold is still kicking my ass... write more later

blackouts and missed calls

truly making this deployment suck even more! so basically there was a blackout then he had a mission then another blackout due to that mission (wrote about it last blog)... so he called at soon as he could then skyped the next day for our monkey to see him which she loved! then there was another blackout due to soldiers in another unit getting killed but he said he would skype and i missed it! i felt so terrible so he said he would try the next day nothing so maybe today :( (fingers crossed)

thankfully our stuff got here in one piece and nothing missing!! after all the drama it was nice to have our stuff! and the room is finally set up except for monkeys bed which my dad will hopefully do tonite... she has been sleeping in a crib that my youngest sister used... its not a bad bed just kinda small and since i throw out my back! seriously no clue how that happened :( definitely sucks trying to be a mommy and barely move... oh did i mention i passed my cold to my daughter, ya gonna be one long nite again

thankfully next weekend friends are coming to visit so fingers crossed this cold thing is gone!

so need to stop watching the computer and phone it wont make the call come any quicker!!

mines bigger

hahah bet your mind went the dirty route!? :P

so the company/battloin has a fb group which can be nice cause they will post things that come in emails so i dont need to check my email (even though still nothing with the frg meeting).... so anyways today some girl posted i havent talked to my husband/soldier in a week and from there everyone started tryiong to top it! like this deployment was harder for them cause they had one more day over someone else! seriously just means your husband may have work to do and isnt sitting around waiting for someone to tell him to do something... i would love a call every day i would even love two calls but i would settle for every other day... unfortunately i know it wont happen cause that is just who my husband is no matter how much he says he will ;( just kinda wish he would for our daughter and maybe this deployment wouldnt be so difficult but i dont feel like that will ever happen, no matter how much he tried to call or email it will just be hard... literally already every week there is an email about a wounded or killed soldier...ugh this year just needs to hurry up and end... so ready for our new life/training in special forces and living together again!! hope i am not asking too much :(

finally

so the hubby called last nite unfortunately our monkey was asleep but he said he would try and skype today!!





the first blackout was due to the death then he had a mission and a soldier got hurt which ended up being one of his guys plus he was there!! so that didnt help the stress and i cried cause now the man i married has changed even more he has seen things no one should ever see and dealt with things that are just not normal...





it was nice to hear is voice but i could tell he was hurting and tired... but he had shit to do... he also said his room is almost built and he needs pics little did he know that was his fathers day gift! heheh i have about two frames worth plus plan to take a few more recent ones of the monkey and i!!





he asked me to go see the soldier at walter reed and i will if i am allowed but i hope i dont cry! ugh





well waiting on a skype date for my monkey and her daddy!! fingers crossed we actually get to today!

over emails

we are not even 2 months into this deployment and almost every week i get an email saying a soldiers name, company, rank, and injury/death notification!!





seriously over them... did i mention they dont even put a subject from time to time... ugh i cant take it





so we have another injury and this one was (atleast before the deployment started) one of my husbands guys... and no word from the hubby in over a week! i knew i wouldnt get one for a bit but then i get this email and i seriously start to have anxiety attacks... of course i had not even checked my email when a wife/friend texted me asking if i got the message... then she called and was talking to the frg leaders and they called me cause she told them i was freaking out... seriously?!??!





may have to smack someone i am not gonna share my personal business or feelings with someone who didnt like me but is being nice to me cause she is the frg leader! plus her husband isnt even deployed they r fucking pcsing!! ugh





this year is just dragging and i am getting migrane after migrane





please stay safe my love i need you home :(

and we lost another one

got another email of course right before i get comfy in bed... this time it has no subject so didnt know what it was... ugh not what i need on my mind with the hubby out doing something (mission/patrol) all i know is no contact of anything for a while now... seriously wish i didnt read that email...but the weird thing is the soldiers death is under investigation which i dont understand? it was noncombat but honestly its none of no ones business atleast that is my point of view...

so my prays and thoughts go out that soldier and his family and daughter (sorry i dont feel its my place to put his name out there i never met him but i pray for them)....

i hope my hubby is safe and i get some information from him soon :(

guess i am done

i am just kinda over him not communicating not calling and always having an excuse... so today i emailed him not sure if he will even read it but i am just over the whole everyone else getting two calls a day and i cant even get a quick i am ok email atleast once a day.. he will call only when he needs something every 4 days if i am lucky... so i am just done i still love him but i just cant take the lack on communication! i have told him before and he promised he was going to work on but to me it doesnt seem like it... yes i know he has missions but i know for a fact his soldiers are calling and skyping as much as they want... i still love him and want him home safe i just want to feel loved is that too much?!?!?

ugh i just dont know anymore.... depression is worse by the minute and faking the smiles and coping is getting harder... holding the tears back every minute is not working too well either... just wish it was different i just wish he would communicate a little better and maybe just drop me a line a little more, guess i just am not the army wife i pretend to be :(

this just seems so difficult

i just dont know anymore for some reason this deployment i am so much needer!! i dont know if it is more cause of where he is or our daughter?!?! definately greatful i moved home not having to worry about bullshit drama with fake worthless horrible people!! i just am not use to the fact i have no clue what is happening with the hubby :( our first deployment i knew everything and heard from he every other day and talked online alot... our second i was pregnant and he called or we messaged when we could but i new if it was quick relief, mission, or guard duty maybe not all the details but i knew alittle more... this third one i know nothing! i sometimes get some info from him but its not much just that he is safe... honestly i stress every time the phone rings or if i miss a call... never mind lack of sleep or just the email after email i send him in hopes i get a response... he says internet is sucky and i believe him its just it seems everyone else gets to skype or im with their soldier... ugh just wish i had the same ladies as the first deployment they made life so much easier! it was so a family wonder if it will ever happen again, the same support? same closenes?? yes i still keep in contact with all of them and they r there as much as they can it just sucks sometimes to be surrounded by people who need a kick in the head, family members (of soldiers) postig shit that so they shouldnt... ugh

well i just hope we make it thru this and in one piece cause i feel like i am going crazy and not being as supportive as there is

please god keep him safe i love him so much and dont think i can do this without him or do i want to :(

elmo over daddy

hahah yup my little monkey rather watch elmo even when her daddy called, she talked to him for a bit but then she saw elmo on and totally zoned... hahah

he was ok with that we got to talk for a bit... kinda got in a little argument about the fact his company emails and posted stuff on fb about the soldier that passed... once that was over and he realized i was stubborn he gave up and we started talking just about other things r&r and just tried to have a conversation but a stupid storm started up and so the line kept cutting out :(

i really hope the hubby calls again soon and it sounds better and maybe even a skype date!!

other then that just taking this terrible deployment day by day and thankfully my car arrives tomorrow woohoo!!

and we lose one....

so monday i opened my email and there was a letter saying there was injuries no names of the soldiers... tonite i go to open another email 2 were wounded and will be going back soon while 1 had passed away... not from my husband company but from the battlion.. this email gave the names of each soldier and it just crushed me...

then i went on facebook and it was posted as a note on the official page and the group had it posted too... names and everything... i am just in shock and numb!

i know it wasnt my husband but now its more real then ever! somthing can happen to him and i just dont know what to feel or think... i just need to hear his voice...i have a feeling he knew but didnt say anything cause he knew i would be stressed or he may have tried but i was at my appointment... i feel like the worse wife and i just dont know how to fix it...

i dont understand why they posted names serious was it necessary are they going to every time?!?! i dont know how much more i can take and we only in barely a month!

well my poor monkey i think has an ear infection so gotta call the doctors in the am :(

hopefully soon i hear from my hubby and he stays safe, i miss and love him more then anything!

missing him a little more then usual today :(

today i miss the hubs a little more then usual... i am completely exhausted and would really love the hubby home to just take the monkey for a bit or even just snuggle with me... i do have family but honestly there is only so much they can do or amount of time she will hang out with them... no clue why i am so exhausted but last time i was is when i first got home and found out i was pregnant but since i lost the baby there is no reason why i should be or how i could be pregnant... so i am not sure what is going on...

today the company/batt fb page posted pics of the guys over there... none of the hubby from what i could tell...i really do miss him and wish i could see or talk to him :( he seems to call every 3-4 days if i am lucky i know he is trying to just get use to things but it sucks sometimes when everyone talks about how they chat with their hubby;s every day... i know he does his best but still sucks

i guess the royal wedding kinda made me miss him and wonder if we will every have a wedding/celebation since we only did the court house and not tell anyone till a bit afterwards... maybe one day

another call

hubs called it feels like every 3 days he calls, kinda annoying but atleast i know he is safe... he asked for candy cause the kids in afghanistan throw rocks at them while on patrol kinda shitty of them but i get it, they only know what their parents and elders tell him...

it was nice hearing him and our monkey loves to blow kisses and have the phone on her ear like they are talking! she is a ham...

i asked him if i could mail her to him and he said he would love that kinda made my heart break but he is going to work on skyping soon (hopefully)! i know he misses his daughter and i hope me too i know i miss him and not just sexually!

we started kidding around about if we fight and he hung up and didnt call back cause he was being a poophead i would be very mad when he came home! he laughed and said no i wouldnt and that i would be extremely excited to see him... i know he is right but still is annoying how he knows me that well!

i do miss him and cant wait for r&r unlike some other wives who r already thinking about homecoming i am thinking about r&r sincerely they just left!

well gotta get sleep hopefully i can! some reason lately i havent been able to and i am so exhausted during the day...

ugh

so a girl who i talk with periodically, our hubbies r in the same unit, but r not at the same place for this deployment (i dont know or trust completely what she says or he says they both love drama and r not always honest)... well anyways supposely where her husband is they lost 2 guys and 1 wounded on sunday then monday lost 2 more but she was still able to talk to him online?!?! really seriously cant be true... so that stressed me a little and of course i emailed the hubs right away but still no response!

ugh didnt get to hear from the hubs on easter but got to hear from him yesterday, he is still tired and i guess they have started missions (stress level has risen)! i guess they r sleeping in bunkers but building rooms so hopefully soon with in the next few months he will get a room and get internet so we can skype... he asked me if i wanted him to get a cell but i said i would rather skype and him call every once in awhile since skype is free and can go to my phone at first!!

trying to get his first box together but it is hard cause he hasnt told me what he wants...

so another friend is pregnant! ya seriously this sucks i lose my baby and everyone and their mom ends up pregnant :( i know i shouldnt be so hard on myself but i feel like crap even more... so maybe over r&r we can get pregnant again and i would just fly pregnant to welcome him home rather then fly with two kids! then he might be here for a good amount of the pregnancy and for the birth... so we will see... i am happy for all my friends who r pregnant but at the same time i wonder what is wrong with me why cant i be pregnant :( i hope it was just a fluck and we can have 3 more so 4 total, even if he means i have twins i am ok with that!

well my monkey is napping and waiting to see if i will get a call today but its not looking like it as long as he is safe right? really missing him

first holiday with him for this deployment

so this is our monkeys second easter and the second time he is gone! last easter he was at special forces completing the first phase (which he passed!) she was young (not one yet-9 months) but still it was lonely in hawaii... this time we our with my family and he is deployed... but the easter bunny was very nice to her (multiple bunnies were nice to her!) i got her a bike and a little basket with paint, puzzle, bubbles and some candy! my mom did the eggs and a coloring book, my brother got her princess set and a bunny (which she loves), and my sister got her clothes and some other things (its only 7am so we havent seen it yet)...

the hubs is suppose to be able to call which will be nice and hopefully soon they will have internet in their rooms so we can skype privately! i just dont like to talk about private stuff while he is in a big room with everyone who r waiting in line and bored so will listen in, soldiers can be nosier then a good amount of women i know!!

well it should be a nice easter might go to church it depends on the monkey... i do want to start taking her but i dont think i can get us both dressed and out of the house in time!

well Happy Easter to blogger world hope everyone has a great day with family adn friends and to all who have love ones overseas i pray for u and completely know how u feel right now :(

another hard day

so today my brother and his soon to be wife came by to see my daughter and give her her easter basket... a very cute princess one with a big bunny!! she loved it and all the dogs...

then with all of us (brothers and sisters) and my parents were sitting around and just like when we were kids its pick on me ( i am not sensitive i promise/well all the time)... they love to make fun of me and saying shit like i suck at parenting and how its a 24 hr job that if i sit there instead of jumping up every time my daughter does something and how i must be on break if i am having a drink (soda)... so after having a miscarriage and them giving me shit about how horrible i am as a parent since my daughter say alot of words i just kinda could really use my husband or maybe just a place to cry

seriously why does everyone always tell me i am a horrible parent/ person just everything??!! am i really that horrible? should i just not have anymore children and give my daughter up? yes sometimes i dont sit on top of her i let her explore but since when was that a bad thing and ya i am working with her on talking and learning her alphabeta but when she is ready she will talk until then she can just do what she wants!

ugh.... just need to hear ur voice to tell me everything is ok :(

one long year

so my husband battlion has a fb page and a group along with the normal frg page plus emails (which havent recieved one lately but nothing is really happening i guess)... i have heard that the frg leader (co leader) husband is not even deploying so we will get stuck with the other one who has never been thru a deployment! seriously what the hell is this company thinking they really fail when it comes to frg! not saying she will do a good job but i just have lost all respect for them since we have lost so many... obviously the COs wife was suppose to do it but moved home (which if she knew she was gonna why even bother), then we had someone step in (not sure who she was married to) who was only there till they found someone cause she was leaving too... then one of the drama wives with her friend volunteered which i had no problem with the one that wanted to, its her 3rd deployment but her friend shouldnt be but thats my opinion... yes the first deployment i went thru the leader she had never been thru one either but there was not even 30 wives and she didnt do it cause she wanted the info first (which is why these two did it) she stepped up cause no one else did and she was no drama she did an awesome job!! of course my husband said if i didnt move home he would have volunteered me (thank god i moved home) not saying i couldnt do it but i like to avoid drama and speaking in public!!

so communication so far has been shitty... i am hoping it just has to do with the fact of traveling and getting stuff set up and when deployment gets in the swign of things and everyone is there doing their job that it will get much better!! had to get him a phone card which was no biggie so hopefully he will call today! my monkey is driving me slightly crazy with lack of sleep hopefully when her stuff gets here it will get better!! one can hope?!

i am seeing a chiropracter which paying out of pocket for but my body feels so much better after just one appointment and he said not only will he get me back to where i should be but also strength will be better, i can run with no pain and just live without feeling so old! oh and he plans to rid me of headaches!! so i am in high hopes, he said it will be just a few months...

and my car will be here soon (thank god)! so hopefully with a car i can see my friends and they will wanna hang out!! my face keeps breaking out i think its from the water so i hope that changes soon!! still need to get a passport but i need my birth certificate which stupidly i forgot to take it out of the lock box!

nothing really exciting with the deployment just alot of rambling (sorry)... hubs says he is working 16 hr days which sucks cause if i see one more wife say i got to skype, email, call, pm, from my man i may go insane! yes i realize these guys r all lower rnaking so they dont have much to do and this is there first dpeloyment but posting in the group is just gonna drive me crazy.. also every other day they are told about opsec seriously how many times do people need to be reminded... gonna be one long deployment! (alot of first timers)ugh

well time to start the day

heartbroken

so monday night i found out we were pregnant! of course i had to email the hubs since he is gone... well thursday i had some cramping then friday bleeding... went to the er they said miscarriage, ectopic, or just the baby settling... but it was too early to tell then i had to ome back 48 hrs later for blood work.. well i didnt even make it thru saturday morning before i was back at the er having a miscarriage... still no word from the hubs but i emailed him so hopefully soon he will call so we can talk... i finally had no choice and my family knows and one friend but other then that no one.. i dont want to talk about it or think about it.. espically after the doctor said well if u didnt take a test on monday u wouldnt have even known it would have just been ur period late (thanks so comforting)... so then after that he preceeded to tell me well u may want to see a gyno cause this is ur third miscarriage (first 2 were when i was not even 22) i may not be able to have another child and my monkey will be my only child... ya thats what i need right now thanks! so now i am waiting waiting to hear from my husband cause i only want to hear from him not talk about this just hear that he is ok... i know they are traveling so i hope he is safe well atleast almost there and can call or email or some contact soon!

good way to wake up

he called again but sounded so tired :( told me a flight was held and then had no place to sleep but the ground... i feel bad cause i know he has so much on his plate and my depress keeps getting worse which i know he worries about... i am working on it! he job is to stay safe, mine is to get our credit and bills in order plus keep our monkey and myself healthy and happy!! my goal tomorrow is to make a ___ days till daddy comes home chain! i think she love ripping the paper :) plus its something for her and i to do together... of course she has a cold and i am getting sick :( tomorrow gotta call monkeys new pediatrian and set shit up maybe even see if she can met her before her actually first visit (we had issues last time when she had a doctor she didnt know and screamed like someone was killing her) well this deployment just seems to be starting off slow and so not excited by that espically with some of the wives already posting how much they miss their hubbies (seriously its been a week)! yes i miss mine but posting it every day then posting i finally got a call is just gonna make it one long ass deployment and start alot of shit oh yours called you why hasnt mine called drama... ugh so hiding from those fights/drama well watching extreme couponing heheh that will so be me :P

another day passes

got an awesome wake up call from the hubby... but then the phone died or cut out so we never said talk to u later (never good bye)... after that monkey and i had breakfast and just hung out... i have been completely exhausted and not sure why... but i think its the time change, the random hours the monkey wakes up (12-4am), money stress (waiting on if the military will pay us or not)... not that the deployment makes life any easier... also feeling depressed and thinking moving in with my parents was a mistake for monkey and i, not that staying in hawaii was an option but the fighting and inconsideration of my parents is not helping... i just wait to disappear if i didnt have my daughter i dont think i would make it i think i would honestly crash my car into a tree.. all those old feelings of depression and suicide have come back and seem to get worse everyday... i just need me and i dont think i will ever find it i have lost myself forever, to the army life, my child, and my spouse... guess its just something i will have to get use to it......... oh well

shutdown

the biggest topic for everyone that works for the government!! yes it stressed me out but more so since the hubs and deployed and we have my car in transit and our stuff too! so ya little stressful so it is nice that we are getting paid now only if i could access our damn mypay account so i can do bills!! on the up side 3 emails and 1 call not always the best but its some form of communication and my parents have been just taking monkey alot and letting me get things in order... finally got her dvd player being sent to us, next is the bills new date, and then just wait for our stuff.. also plan to go and get monkey a bike for easter :) just wish hubs was home for one easter :( he missed her first one last year cause of school but thats the army life... well back to bills and freezing and trying to figure out the account (off a little on money and not sure why)!

the first call

the hubs has left and the monkey and i headed and are now here in mass!! so now we begin our third deployment... i finally got a phone call from him and it was so nice to hear his voice :) monkey blew him kisses!! i dont think she has completely figured out what was going on but she is slowly getting use to my family and all the dogs (seriously 4, one is ours but still)!! we couldnt really wait for him to get on the bus cause of the million and one errands and last minute things i needed to up... when we got to the airport i still had not cried but dealing with a stressed toddler and trying to get on the flight i kinda broke down... one passenager told me to cut a couple off since they didnt have a kid just some golden ticket plus somehow the fact my husband just deployed came up and thats when i cried :( then again on the flights thinking about it, most of the time monkey was sleeping i guess i wanted to be strong and not let her see... all i know its cold as shit and i hope we get use to this soon and monkey really needs to go to sleep and get off hawaii time...long nite

and so it begins...

so we are about to begin and figures i watch army wives on lifetime and it hits!! tonite and tomorrow packing, movers tuesday and then cleaning, wednesday turn the keys in for the house and ship my car, then thursday we (my monkey and i) fly home to mass for the year... to say i am stressed is the least... my hubby finally told me he feels like once i am gone off this island we will be much better and wants to be with me... which is great but i just hope things start to get better... i just am freaking out after reading the article about 101st who lost a few guys... probably was the worst thing to hear since afganstan is where he is going... i know he will be fine and he is surrounded by well trained guys but i am still scared and he is trying to not let even think about it its always there well time to get some packing done before cuddlely time... busy next few days :(

not much longer

we official have a date and of course i wont post it but its very soon!! the paperwork for my erd goes in tomorrow, the chaplan (saw him today) agreed it would be best if i went home since i will have family support and can get a job and with the drama in my neighborhood (plus i said i would move into rear de if i get trapped here)... i understand the army wont pay for me to come back and i am completely ok with that espically since after this deployment we are suppose to head to special forces!

it was interesting the chaplan asked my hubby why he wanted this and why he just was not heading to special forces after passing the first phase, he said cause we could pay off bills then be in a better situation for special forces... my response was yes financial we would get out of debt but he trained with his guys and is decidicated to them and wont leave them he feels like he needs to... which i get and appreciate cause i know it means he cares!!

so i am ok just now have to wait for the ok from the military to pay for our stuff, car, and us to go home!! should know by the end of the week!!

goal- movers next day car the following clear housing and then hubby leaves and us (monkey and me)!!

doctors/erd

so today i got an appointment with a doctor (my primary care was not available) so i had to admit alot of things that i have never admitted to any doctor since marrying my husband and try to get them to write a letter so the army will pay for us to go home... cause we got some other options and its gonna break us! (4000 for our stuff, almost 3000 for my car and then who knows for a ticket)!

anyways the doctor got me into a therapist today (same day appointment) which i guess never happens! so the psychologist i talked to was all about drugs (he told me straight out) and i said no to drugs... well he finally gave in and wrote me the letter stating that due to my medical problem (kidneys) that it would be best if i go home but he had to add the anxiety and depression from not being able to work and stress that moving would be the best... which i guess works but then my hubby told me who will see it and i feel like everyone will know my business and look at me like something is wrong with me :(

of course the major thing i kept saying over and over was i lye about this cause i was afraid and told that if i admit i need help my husband career will be effected and they could take my daughter away! yes i realize this is crazy but its what everyone around me was saying... so we will see, my husband read the letter said it sounded good and it doesnt make me look bad but definately explains our fights and throwing him out... so we will see... gotta still wait till the 21st when leave is over then maybe met with a chaplan then the paperwork goes to everyone its suppose to and pray we get it all in and things set up before he deploys! the process says 14 days so who knows we have no home as of march 31st so our stuff needs to be picked up by then and then we need to figure out where we will be staying if i havent left yet!!

ahhhh i just wish we knew so i can be less stressed!

leaving

i am ready to get off this island! i hate the neighborhood i live in they have no consideration for anyone and seriously think screaming, yelling, drinking, smashing bottles in the dumpster, throwing trash whereever, and playing loud music from their cars are ok! my husband has gone out twice, i called the mps who said they are busy tonite but will get someone out when they can! seriously!!?? this place is so fucked up...

my poor monkey has a cold probably from the rain at the deployment ceremony but thats my luck... i have felt like shit the past few days really just wanna puke but thankfully block leave has started so the hubbys phone isnt going off every 5 seconds! so i napped while he entertained our toddler!! i took a pregnancy test negative but since february is short not sure when my period is coming (sorry tmi)...

so now we are gonna start the erd paperwork and housing paperwork to get out of here... along with having as much family time as possible... so far we have done dinner out (to congrat the hubs on the boards) and bought him a new xbox for deployment (seriously the damn machines last a deployment if we are lucky) and we are still waiting on his computer (another new one)!!

so nice not to hear an alarm go off at 5am or the phone ring or text constantly cause some soldier needs something, yes i know its his job but still cant we go an hour after work without a million texts!? honestly he will be home 5 seconds and have texts before he can shit!

well i think i may crash hubby is playing his video game and the asshole neighbors are giving me a migrane hopefully the mps come soon and do their job!

deployment ceremony

it was a nice windy wet ceremony! and even though i had no clue where the hubs would be standing i stood in a great place :) the food they served after not so good but atleast we got to spend some time together and my monkey got to run around and see her daddy stand up and show his job!!

well now we start block leave so we are gonna enjoy our few weeks before the deployment starts!

FRG

so we had a company frg meeting... acs and legal were there very helpful!! got tons of questions answered and a few questions still need answering but thankfully there is a deployment expo next week...

kinda nice to actually get info beyond and email (which just makes u have questions) and hubby giving u info but half assly (i love him but boy does he suck at telling me stuff)!!

so we have our poa's for me, next we have to get them for our daughter for our parents (yup craziness never ever thought about that one)... found out abut a blue star card which i wont get since i am leaving and it wont do anythign for me off island...

still need to do: his truck insurance switched to just storage (never knew that very excited about $40 a month rather then $200 or so)
call all our credit cards (change addresses and make sure then know who i am)
let banks know he is deploying (very important if u dont want it shut off)
figure out if movers will move our shit into a storage unit back home (best words ever home)


so block leave then deployment! bring it army i am ready!!

Deployment

a word that makes tons of emotions come up for anyone and everyone... and since i will be starting a 3rd one very soon its something that i continue hearing and seeing and feeling...

so there is a little stress around my home, making sure we have all the right paperwork, the dog is ready to be sent, and that we know or atleast have an idea of what to expect since we have a toddler now its no longer just me and my soldier to worry about...

this deployment is a little different... for the first time they are recommending having pass ports, which just the thought makes me want to puke! also poas for family members for our child another thing never have to think or deal with but also not as a sick feeling!! then since we are erding us home with our stuff (since sf training will start after this deployment) that has brought up tons of questions and stress.. now of these things make marriage easier just add a little more stress and a few arguements since i ask the same questions over and over...

but i am ready its weird to say or think that but i am.. i am ready to move in with my parents be near friends and just get this started... i am ready to say good bye and deal with a toddler who is not going to happy her daddy is gone but will get to met and spend tons of time with family! (she has only met both of our families once at 6 months and besides the computer doesnt really know who they are)! i saw the orders (since we needed them for op love photos (which went awesome recommend it to anyone and everyone!) that was kinda a puke moment! but since then i have come to just getting stuff in order and preparing and now i am ready so lets go! lets start it get me off this hell that everyone thinks and paradise and go!

called

so he finally called this morning and our little peanut just wanted to keep talking which she tried!! she is such a ham, then she waved bye when she was done... yes i know we need to work on the fact on the phone he cant see her but shes only 18 months atleast she said hi!!

anyways we talked, then we texted a little, we plan to sit and talk when he gets home which he still doesnt know but he knows it will be within the next week, obviously if i knew i wouldnt post it anyways! lol

i did ask him about the other guys who called when they were in the "box" and he said well the CO did it so everyone else just felt like it was ok... kinda bullshit and they wonder why these young joes who just got in dont follow rules or directions, cause there is always someone higher who is breaking them so why cant they!?

well it was nice to hear him and i know peanut was very excited and it made her day... he did say i love you which if you have read my other blog confused me.. guess we will know how things are gonna go very soon!

today is an frg thing at the park- we are gonna talk about t-shirt designs and make posters and valentines.. something i think is stupid but will only say here is they want to make a banner, honstly it was just training not the actual deployment... if i do go this may be a very long afternoon!!

well time to get some stuff done...

smiles around the corner

who knew one website could contact so many and then u could met some and they could become like long lost friends?!?!? that is how i feel lately... it sucks to have met them so soon to when i am leaving but i am happy i have met some girls who have kids (mostly boys) so close to my little monkeys age!! the best part is there men are with my hubby so u never feel weird bugging them to hang out cause we are all bored just waiting!! espically with all the crap i have been going the crap going on in my neighborhood its a good way to get away and not have to deal with it... also one of the girls is from maine and we are so similiar in how we feel about tons of things its nice to actually have someone understand me, they dont have to agree just understand and finally i found that one person! it feels awesome... its so funny though cause our husbands and kids are so much alike!

anyways the rumor is the guys start coming home next week but who knows.. sadly though i got a copy of his orders and they leave sooner then expected... i mean i do want to leave soon but i dont know if i am ready... kinda wasnt real till i saw the orders now the stress is getting worse...

so hopefully since i am begining to realize that i am so angry lately is cause of all the stress and i dont know how else to express it but i am working on it... hopefully when i tell the hubs what is going on maybe he will want to work things out and last?

ugh............

deployment expo

thank god for something actually helpful and informative!!

ok so today they had the expo and honestly i have never felt better after a function that gives out tons of information, usually i am completely stressed!!

so i got to talk to the head frg person, my frg contact, and a few other helpful tables and confusing ones... i didnt get to talk to finance but i guess i will go talk to them monday or sometime next week!

made sure they had the right info (obviously still the wrong address but now they have my parents)... got info about acs and the things they offered (which i already knew since i use them)... tricare (the confusing one) still not sure if i will stay prime or go standard and everyone i asks tells me something else so i am so confused! that one the hubby will have to help me with... my monkey got another daddy doll (the one with the you put the picture in the face so she was happy)... and last but most important housing!!

housing told me just need to give a 28 days notice (which is a plus cause others told me more but obviously deployment is different)... then the whole situation with my neighborhood hahah!!! karma will be a bitch to not just the one who i have an tro but also to the one next to me who is "staying out" of it (which is bullshit!) anyways its nice to know they are doing something and that before i leave karma will get them :)

seriously made my week, day, month so much better... i guess i should talk to my "friend" but she just really hurt me so i dont know...

ahhh zoning out in tv then court in the am (fingers crossed it gets extended!!)

finally

not a call but thankfully my monkey is back on schedule... she was up at 7am (ugh) and too ker usual nap in the morning and now is laying down for her other one... yup we r still a 2 nap a day kid (and mommy is so not complaining)!

this week we have alot of appointments- doctors, courts, and a playdate but we also have some frg thing... its not a meeting but it is?! i dont really understand why they are gonna have booths or whateva it is while are husbands are gone... i dont understand it but i guess i understand getting questions answered but there is a chance i will have more questions when they hubby is home, including other things to talk about...

other then that life is normal well my daughter and i hide in the house to advoid the drama... really wish we didnt have to but she is just not a trustworthy person...

during the deployment these will be longer... i am glad he is training but wish he could have been home i could really use a morning to sleep in even though i am a sahm i need a break too!!

well dinner time...

and the phone calls end

so even though the hubs and i are at a kinda of a quetion of what will happen he calls every nite to talk to our daughter... she loves it so much and she definately misses him!! for the first few days he was gone she would wake up at 3am (ya it sucked and i wanted to cry)... then its was 5am (little better not much)... finally today it was 7am and back to our normal schedule! lets hope this continues cause the waking up throughout the nite sucks and the early ass morning wakes up suck!!

but now the calls will stop... everyone is there and the major training starts... i am ok with it cause we really need to think about what we want and figure out were things are gonna go for everyones sanity!!

so we have the daddy doll and two books with his voice recorded... we can call his cell (like we did for sf training) and she can listen to his voice!!

she is so cute she will hold my phone and act like she is talking to him then put her forhead on the phone when she talks to him like he is kissing her head, it breaks my heart but i am glad she understands he does love her! when she is mad at him she throws the doll on the floor... hahah oh well... i hope this isnt a view of how much this deployment might suck, cause she has started having fits when the hubs is not home at 5... oh well its our life for now

she is a daddys girl!

NTC

so the training for deployment has started!!

but i really think its good for us... we definately need a break! i am kinda happy that there is this training just cause i like to be able to do things my way but at the same time i just wish things were different

he woke the monkey up and i at 530ish am!! ugh way to early!! then had to pick up another guy then we headed to his company... almost hit a few walkers/pters... opps well i was tired and not awake yet... so said bye and enjoy ur time and he kissed our monkey... i texted him let him know i was going back to sleep are you sure you have everything... he did thankfully... so then back to bed for us... of course monkey already tried calling him and he was busy but atleast she heard his voice and she has her daddy doll

now we just will wait to see if he calls or what but either way i have done 25 days no contact with sf so this is nothing atleast for me i know other wives are already complaining...

well dinner time for two (well one and 1/2).... hope he is enjoying the cold :P maybe he will think about what he wants and things will change :/