thoughts

its memorial day and i really and truly proud to be an army wife... with all those who have fallen i thank them for their greatest sacrifice...

so now that i got that out what the post was really suppose to be about...

this deployment has been very rough with an email almost every week about a causality or injury its makes trying to communicate extremely difficult... so not being able to talk makes me wonder if we can survive this deployment or how we will survive special forces training... thankfully i have finally about to tell the hubby so he knows and he says he understands... he is trying we have talked the past few days and he told me whats going on and why he hasnt called much... which the knowing totally stresses me out... i really want him safe and home :(

i just pray everyday nothing happens to him cause i dont know what i will do... i know i shouldnt think about that but with him on patrol alot, one of his guys getting hurt, and just all the other bad things happening to is company/unit as a whole... just so ready for this year to hurry up and be over!

honestly i keep wondering how will we make our life work if i am completely unsure about being an army wife! this deployment is so not making it very easy! i could not see myself with anyone else and i hope he feels the same way, i think he does... i just dont know why i am so needy this deployment! i wasnt even like this last deployment when i was pregnant this is just not me i am usually so much better and stronger :(

well gonna go cry i think maybe go to bed early this cold is still kicking my ass... write more later

blackouts and missed calls

truly making this deployment suck even more! so basically there was a blackout then he had a mission then another blackout due to that mission (wrote about it last blog)... so he called at soon as he could then skyped the next day for our monkey to see him which she loved! then there was another blackout due to soldiers in another unit getting killed but he said he would skype and i missed it! i felt so terrible so he said he would try the next day nothing so maybe today :( (fingers crossed)

thankfully our stuff got here in one piece and nothing missing!! after all the drama it was nice to have our stuff! and the room is finally set up except for monkeys bed which my dad will hopefully do tonite... she has been sleeping in a crib that my youngest sister used... its not a bad bed just kinda small and since i throw out my back! seriously no clue how that happened :( definitely sucks trying to be a mommy and barely move... oh did i mention i passed my cold to my daughter, ya gonna be one long nite again

thankfully next weekend friends are coming to visit so fingers crossed this cold thing is gone!

so need to stop watching the computer and phone it wont make the call come any quicker!!

mines bigger

hahah bet your mind went the dirty route!? :P

so the company/battloin has a fb group which can be nice cause they will post things that come in emails so i dont need to check my email (even though still nothing with the frg meeting).... so anyways today some girl posted i havent talked to my husband/soldier in a week and from there everyone started tryiong to top it! like this deployment was harder for them cause they had one more day over someone else! seriously just means your husband may have work to do and isnt sitting around waiting for someone to tell him to do something... i would love a call every day i would even love two calls but i would settle for every other day... unfortunately i know it wont happen cause that is just who my husband is no matter how much he says he will ;( just kinda wish he would for our daughter and maybe this deployment wouldnt be so difficult but i dont feel like that will ever happen, no matter how much he tried to call or email it will just be hard... literally already every week there is an email about a wounded or killed soldier...ugh this year just needs to hurry up and end... so ready for our new life/training in special forces and living together again!! hope i am not asking too much :(

finally

so the hubby called last nite unfortunately our monkey was asleep but he said he would try and skype today!!





the first blackout was due to the death then he had a mission and a soldier got hurt which ended up being one of his guys plus he was there!! so that didnt help the stress and i cried cause now the man i married has changed even more he has seen things no one should ever see and dealt with things that are just not normal...





it was nice to hear is voice but i could tell he was hurting and tired... but he had shit to do... he also said his room is almost built and he needs pics little did he know that was his fathers day gift! heheh i have about two frames worth plus plan to take a few more recent ones of the monkey and i!!





he asked me to go see the soldier at walter reed and i will if i am allowed but i hope i dont cry! ugh





well waiting on a skype date for my monkey and her daddy!! fingers crossed we actually get to today!

over emails

we are not even 2 months into this deployment and almost every week i get an email saying a soldiers name, company, rank, and injury/death notification!!





seriously over them... did i mention they dont even put a subject from time to time... ugh i cant take it





so we have another injury and this one was (atleast before the deployment started) one of my husbands guys... and no word from the hubby in over a week! i knew i wouldnt get one for a bit but then i get this email and i seriously start to have anxiety attacks... of course i had not even checked my email when a wife/friend texted me asking if i got the message... then she called and was talking to the frg leaders and they called me cause she told them i was freaking out... seriously?!??!





may have to smack someone i am not gonna share my personal business or feelings with someone who didnt like me but is being nice to me cause she is the frg leader! plus her husband isnt even deployed they r fucking pcsing!! ugh





this year is just dragging and i am getting migrane after migrane





please stay safe my love i need you home :(

and we lost another one

got another email of course right before i get comfy in bed... this time it has no subject so didnt know what it was... ugh not what i need on my mind with the hubby out doing something (mission/patrol) all i know is no contact of anything for a while now... seriously wish i didnt read that email...but the weird thing is the soldiers death is under investigation which i dont understand? it was noncombat but honestly its none of no ones business atleast that is my point of view...

so my prays and thoughts go out that soldier and his family and daughter (sorry i dont feel its my place to put his name out there i never met him but i pray for them)....

i hope my hubby is safe and i get some information from him soon :(

guess i am done

i am just kinda over him not communicating not calling and always having an excuse... so today i emailed him not sure if he will even read it but i am just over the whole everyone else getting two calls a day and i cant even get a quick i am ok email atleast once a day.. he will call only when he needs something every 4 days if i am lucky... so i am just done i still love him but i just cant take the lack on communication! i have told him before and he promised he was going to work on but to me it doesnt seem like it... yes i know he has missions but i know for a fact his soldiers are calling and skyping as much as they want... i still love him and want him home safe i just want to feel loved is that too much?!?!?

ugh i just dont know anymore.... depression is worse by the minute and faking the smiles and coping is getting harder... holding the tears back every minute is not working too well either... just wish it was different i just wish he would communicate a little better and maybe just drop me a line a little more, guess i just am not the army wife i pretend to be :(

this just seems so difficult

i just dont know anymore for some reason this deployment i am so much needer!! i dont know if it is more cause of where he is or our daughter?!?! definately greatful i moved home not having to worry about bullshit drama with fake worthless horrible people!! i just am not use to the fact i have no clue what is happening with the hubby :( our first deployment i knew everything and heard from he every other day and talked online alot... our second i was pregnant and he called or we messaged when we could but i new if it was quick relief, mission, or guard duty maybe not all the details but i knew alittle more... this third one i know nothing! i sometimes get some info from him but its not much just that he is safe... honestly i stress every time the phone rings or if i miss a call... never mind lack of sleep or just the email after email i send him in hopes i get a response... he says internet is sucky and i believe him its just it seems everyone else gets to skype or im with their soldier... ugh just wish i had the same ladies as the first deployment they made life so much easier! it was so a family wonder if it will ever happen again, the same support? same closenes?? yes i still keep in contact with all of them and they r there as much as they can it just sucks sometimes to be surrounded by people who need a kick in the head, family members (of soldiers) postig shit that so they shouldnt... ugh

well i just hope we make it thru this and in one piece cause i feel like i am going crazy and not being as supportive as there is

please god keep him safe i love him so much and dont think i can do this without him or do i want to :(

elmo over daddy

hahah yup my little monkey rather watch elmo even when her daddy called, she talked to him for a bit but then she saw elmo on and totally zoned... hahah

he was ok with that we got to talk for a bit... kinda got in a little argument about the fact his company emails and posted stuff on fb about the soldier that passed... once that was over and he realized i was stubborn he gave up and we started talking just about other things r&r and just tried to have a conversation but a stupid storm started up and so the line kept cutting out :(

i really hope the hubby calls again soon and it sounds better and maybe even a skype date!!

other then that just taking this terrible deployment day by day and thankfully my car arrives tomorrow woohoo!!

and we lose one....

so monday i opened my email and there was a letter saying there was injuries no names of the soldiers... tonite i go to open another email 2 were wounded and will be going back soon while 1 had passed away... not from my husband company but from the battlion.. this email gave the names of each soldier and it just crushed me...

then i went on facebook and it was posted as a note on the official page and the group had it posted too... names and everything... i am just in shock and numb!

i know it wasnt my husband but now its more real then ever! somthing can happen to him and i just dont know what to feel or think... i just need to hear his voice...i have a feeling he knew but didnt say anything cause he knew i would be stressed or he may have tried but i was at my appointment... i feel like the worse wife and i just dont know how to fix it...

i dont understand why they posted names serious was it necessary are they going to every time?!?! i dont know how much more i can take and we only in barely a month!

well my poor monkey i think has an ear infection so gotta call the doctors in the am :(

hopefully soon i hear from my hubby and he stays safe, i miss and love him more then anything!