missing him a little more then usual today :(

today i miss the hubs a little more then usual... i am completely exhausted and would really love the hubby home to just take the monkey for a bit or even just snuggle with me... i do have family but honestly there is only so much they can do or amount of time she will hang out with them... no clue why i am so exhausted but last time i was is when i first got home and found out i was pregnant but since i lost the baby there is no reason why i should be or how i could be pregnant... so i am not sure what is going on...

today the company/batt fb page posted pics of the guys over there... none of the hubby from what i could tell...i really do miss him and wish i could see or talk to him :( he seems to call every 3-4 days if i am lucky i know he is trying to just get use to things but it sucks sometimes when everyone talks about how they chat with their hubby;s every day... i know he does his best but still sucks

i guess the royal wedding kinda made me miss him and wonder if we will every have a wedding/celebation since we only did the court house and not tell anyone till a bit afterwards... maybe one day

another call

hubs called it feels like every 3 days he calls, kinda annoying but atleast i know he is safe... he asked for candy cause the kids in afghanistan throw rocks at them while on patrol kinda shitty of them but i get it, they only know what their parents and elders tell him...

it was nice hearing him and our monkey loves to blow kisses and have the phone on her ear like they are talking! she is a ham...

i asked him if i could mail her to him and he said he would love that kinda made my heart break but he is going to work on skyping soon (hopefully)! i know he misses his daughter and i hope me too i know i miss him and not just sexually!

we started kidding around about if we fight and he hung up and didnt call back cause he was being a poophead i would be very mad when he came home! he laughed and said no i wouldnt and that i would be extremely excited to see him... i know he is right but still is annoying how he knows me that well!

i do miss him and cant wait for r&r unlike some other wives who r already thinking about homecoming i am thinking about r&r sincerely they just left!

well gotta get sleep hopefully i can! some reason lately i havent been able to and i am so exhausted during the day...

ugh

so a girl who i talk with periodically, our hubbies r in the same unit, but r not at the same place for this deployment (i dont know or trust completely what she says or he says they both love drama and r not always honest)... well anyways supposely where her husband is they lost 2 guys and 1 wounded on sunday then monday lost 2 more but she was still able to talk to him online?!?! really seriously cant be true... so that stressed me a little and of course i emailed the hubs right away but still no response!

ugh didnt get to hear from the hubs on easter but got to hear from him yesterday, he is still tired and i guess they have started missions (stress level has risen)! i guess they r sleeping in bunkers but building rooms so hopefully soon with in the next few months he will get a room and get internet so we can skype... he asked me if i wanted him to get a cell but i said i would rather skype and him call every once in awhile since skype is free and can go to my phone at first!!

trying to get his first box together but it is hard cause he hasnt told me what he wants...

so another friend is pregnant! ya seriously this sucks i lose my baby and everyone and their mom ends up pregnant :( i know i shouldnt be so hard on myself but i feel like crap even more... so maybe over r&r we can get pregnant again and i would just fly pregnant to welcome him home rather then fly with two kids! then he might be here for a good amount of the pregnancy and for the birth... so we will see... i am happy for all my friends who r pregnant but at the same time i wonder what is wrong with me why cant i be pregnant :( i hope it was just a fluck and we can have 3 more so 4 total, even if he means i have twins i am ok with that!

well my monkey is napping and waiting to see if i will get a call today but its not looking like it as long as he is safe right? really missing him

first holiday with him for this deployment

so this is our monkeys second easter and the second time he is gone! last easter he was at special forces completing the first phase (which he passed!) she was young (not one yet-9 months) but still it was lonely in hawaii... this time we our with my family and he is deployed... but the easter bunny was very nice to her (multiple bunnies were nice to her!) i got her a bike and a little basket with paint, puzzle, bubbles and some candy! my mom did the eggs and a coloring book, my brother got her princess set and a bunny (which she loves), and my sister got her clothes and some other things (its only 7am so we havent seen it yet)...

the hubs is suppose to be able to call which will be nice and hopefully soon they will have internet in their rooms so we can skype privately! i just dont like to talk about private stuff while he is in a big room with everyone who r waiting in line and bored so will listen in, soldiers can be nosier then a good amount of women i know!!

well it should be a nice easter might go to church it depends on the monkey... i do want to start taking her but i dont think i can get us both dressed and out of the house in time!

well Happy Easter to blogger world hope everyone has a great day with family adn friends and to all who have love ones overseas i pray for u and completely know how u feel right now :(

another hard day

so today my brother and his soon to be wife came by to see my daughter and give her her easter basket... a very cute princess one with a big bunny!! she loved it and all the dogs...

then with all of us (brothers and sisters) and my parents were sitting around and just like when we were kids its pick on me ( i am not sensitive i promise/well all the time)... they love to make fun of me and saying shit like i suck at parenting and how its a 24 hr job that if i sit there instead of jumping up every time my daughter does something and how i must be on break if i am having a drink (soda)... so after having a miscarriage and them giving me shit about how horrible i am as a parent since my daughter say alot of words i just kinda could really use my husband or maybe just a place to cry

seriously why does everyone always tell me i am a horrible parent/ person just everything??!! am i really that horrible? should i just not have anymore children and give my daughter up? yes sometimes i dont sit on top of her i let her explore but since when was that a bad thing and ya i am working with her on talking and learning her alphabeta but when she is ready she will talk until then she can just do what she wants!

ugh.... just need to hear ur voice to tell me everything is ok :(

one long year

so my husband battlion has a fb page and a group along with the normal frg page plus emails (which havent recieved one lately but nothing is really happening i guess)... i have heard that the frg leader (co leader) husband is not even deploying so we will get stuck with the other one who has never been thru a deployment! seriously what the hell is this company thinking they really fail when it comes to frg! not saying she will do a good job but i just have lost all respect for them since we have lost so many... obviously the COs wife was suppose to do it but moved home (which if she knew she was gonna why even bother), then we had someone step in (not sure who she was married to) who was only there till they found someone cause she was leaving too... then one of the drama wives with her friend volunteered which i had no problem with the one that wanted to, its her 3rd deployment but her friend shouldnt be but thats my opinion... yes the first deployment i went thru the leader she had never been thru one either but there was not even 30 wives and she didnt do it cause she wanted the info first (which is why these two did it) she stepped up cause no one else did and she was no drama she did an awesome job!! of course my husband said if i didnt move home he would have volunteered me (thank god i moved home) not saying i couldnt do it but i like to avoid drama and speaking in public!!

so communication so far has been shitty... i am hoping it just has to do with the fact of traveling and getting stuff set up and when deployment gets in the swign of things and everyone is there doing their job that it will get much better!! had to get him a phone card which was no biggie so hopefully he will call today! my monkey is driving me slightly crazy with lack of sleep hopefully when her stuff gets here it will get better!! one can hope?!

i am seeing a chiropracter which paying out of pocket for but my body feels so much better after just one appointment and he said not only will he get me back to where i should be but also strength will be better, i can run with no pain and just live without feeling so old! oh and he plans to rid me of headaches!! so i am in high hopes, he said it will be just a few months...

and my car will be here soon (thank god)! so hopefully with a car i can see my friends and they will wanna hang out!! my face keeps breaking out i think its from the water so i hope that changes soon!! still need to get a passport but i need my birth certificate which stupidly i forgot to take it out of the lock box!

nothing really exciting with the deployment just alot of rambling (sorry)... hubs says he is working 16 hr days which sucks cause if i see one more wife say i got to skype, email, call, pm, from my man i may go insane! yes i realize these guys r all lower rnaking so they dont have much to do and this is there first dpeloyment but posting in the group is just gonna drive me crazy.. also every other day they are told about opsec seriously how many times do people need to be reminded... gonna be one long deployment! (alot of first timers)ugh

well time to start the day

heartbroken

so monday night i found out we were pregnant! of course i had to email the hubs since he is gone... well thursday i had some cramping then friday bleeding... went to the er they said miscarriage, ectopic, or just the baby settling... but it was too early to tell then i had to ome back 48 hrs later for blood work.. well i didnt even make it thru saturday morning before i was back at the er having a miscarriage... still no word from the hubs but i emailed him so hopefully soon he will call so we can talk... i finally had no choice and my family knows and one friend but other then that no one.. i dont want to talk about it or think about it.. espically after the doctor said well if u didnt take a test on monday u wouldnt have even known it would have just been ur period late (thanks so comforting)... so then after that he preceeded to tell me well u may want to see a gyno cause this is ur third miscarriage (first 2 were when i was not even 22) i may not be able to have another child and my monkey will be my only child... ya thats what i need right now thanks! so now i am waiting waiting to hear from my husband cause i only want to hear from him not talk about this just hear that he is ok... i know they are traveling so i hope he is safe well atleast almost there and can call or email or some contact soon!

good way to wake up

he called again but sounded so tired :( told me a flight was held and then had no place to sleep but the ground... i feel bad cause i know he has so much on his plate and my depress keeps getting worse which i know he worries about... i am working on it! he job is to stay safe, mine is to get our credit and bills in order plus keep our monkey and myself healthy and happy!! my goal tomorrow is to make a ___ days till daddy comes home chain! i think she love ripping the paper :) plus its something for her and i to do together... of course she has a cold and i am getting sick :( tomorrow gotta call monkeys new pediatrian and set shit up maybe even see if she can met her before her actually first visit (we had issues last time when she had a doctor she didnt know and screamed like someone was killing her) well this deployment just seems to be starting off slow and so not excited by that espically with some of the wives already posting how much they miss their hubbies (seriously its been a week)! yes i miss mine but posting it every day then posting i finally got a call is just gonna make it one long ass deployment and start alot of shit oh yours called you why hasnt mine called drama... ugh so hiding from those fights/drama well watching extreme couponing heheh that will so be me :P

another day passes

got an awesome wake up call from the hubby... but then the phone died or cut out so we never said talk to u later (never good bye)... after that monkey and i had breakfast and just hung out... i have been completely exhausted and not sure why... but i think its the time change, the random hours the monkey wakes up (12-4am), money stress (waiting on if the military will pay us or not)... not that the deployment makes life any easier... also feeling depressed and thinking moving in with my parents was a mistake for monkey and i, not that staying in hawaii was an option but the fighting and inconsideration of my parents is not helping... i just wait to disappear if i didnt have my daughter i dont think i would make it i think i would honestly crash my car into a tree.. all those old feelings of depression and suicide have come back and seem to get worse everyday... i just need me and i dont think i will ever find it i have lost myself forever, to the army life, my child, and my spouse... guess its just something i will have to get use to it......... oh well

shutdown

the biggest topic for everyone that works for the government!! yes it stressed me out but more so since the hubs and deployed and we have my car in transit and our stuff too! so ya little stressful so it is nice that we are getting paid now only if i could access our damn mypay account so i can do bills!! on the up side 3 emails and 1 call not always the best but its some form of communication and my parents have been just taking monkey alot and letting me get things in order... finally got her dvd player being sent to us, next is the bills new date, and then just wait for our stuff.. also plan to go and get monkey a bike for easter :) just wish hubs was home for one easter :( he missed her first one last year cause of school but thats the army life... well back to bills and freezing and trying to figure out the account (off a little on money and not sure why)!

the first call

the hubs has left and the monkey and i headed and are now here in mass!! so now we begin our third deployment... i finally got a phone call from him and it was so nice to hear his voice :) monkey blew him kisses!! i dont think she has completely figured out what was going on but she is slowly getting use to my family and all the dogs (seriously 4, one is ours but still)!! we couldnt really wait for him to get on the bus cause of the million and one errands and last minute things i needed to up... when we got to the airport i still had not cried but dealing with a stressed toddler and trying to get on the flight i kinda broke down... one passenager told me to cut a couple off since they didnt have a kid just some golden ticket plus somehow the fact my husband just deployed came up and thats when i cried :( then again on the flights thinking about it, most of the time monkey was sleeping i guess i wanted to be strong and not let her see... all i know its cold as shit and i hope we get use to this soon and monkey really needs to go to sleep and get off hawaii time...long nite

and so it begins...

so we are about to begin and figures i watch army wives on lifetime and it hits!! tonite and tomorrow packing, movers tuesday and then cleaning, wednesday turn the keys in for the house and ship my car, then thursday we (my monkey and i) fly home to mass for the year... to say i am stressed is the least... my hubby finally told me he feels like once i am gone off this island we will be much better and wants to be with me... which is great but i just hope things start to get better... i just am freaking out after reading the article about 101st who lost a few guys... probably was the worst thing to hear since afganstan is where he is going... i know he will be fine and he is surrounded by well trained guys but i am still scared and he is trying to not let even think about it its always there well time to get some packing done before cuddlely time... busy next few days :(