over and almost 3 weeks home

so he made it home safe... thankfully the ceremony was at a decent hour and an awesome friend did my hair and makeup... even better got a professional photographer who did decent being the fact she had someone else to do to!

i also took pics for my friend and i seem to have gotten better ones for her well i mean like the kissing ones but hey everyone expects different things right?

well we rented a nice condo for a couple of weeks and now we are renting a okay apartment... a nice friend lives by, which is nice... it just would feel better to never have to go to hawaii again, i know everyone would say i am crazy but hawaii to me is just a place that destroys our marriage and i dont know if this continues i will ever get happy... we never talk without it turning into a fight and i dont feel comfortable going here to see someone since the last person said they push drugs to fix the problem... to bad i will just want to die more :(

well other then my depression being bad and my husband not noticing, we were trying for baby number 2 but it didnt happen this month guess i am only meant to have one... :/

we are waiting on orders and the waiting sucks... but hopefully soon... just so ready to find happiness and staying here is making it not seem like it will ever happen...

oh and the soldier that had our stuff lost our fucking couch! seriously who loses a couch!!?? ya not cool so we havent paid him yet the money we owe.. and not to mention i am not allowed to say anything...errr

well this will be the last post for this blog since he is home safe maybe when we start a new blog about our new adventure if it happens... fingers crossed we last cause its not looking so good from my point of view

sorry i know depressing atleast he made it home safe just wish i was more important then video games and his work :(

strong

its a word that everyone says about being an army spouse... its a word my family and friends say i am but honestly if they really knew...

i dont mean just my army friends or my civilian friends say about me random people...

i am far from strong i just survive, i just go day by day... i honestly struggle silently but struggle... my heart breaks, my anxiety increases, my depression is thru the roof... the only time thing that keeps me alive is my daughter but there are some days i can barely get out of bed :( i just want to curl up and just cry all day but i cant.. i love my daughter more then anything adn my husband, even though i wonder if he really loves me... i think about cutting more then ever especially during a deployment because that is when i feel the most alone...

i know there are other wives going thru the deployment with me but i just feel so alone i guess trusting people is so hard and as i get older and met more people trusting is so hard since the last few people i have met have been so horrible and fake! i honestly cant open up anymore and be come more closed off and probably even worse to be around... there are days i just want to cut and not be around

but this is almost over and even better we are leaving hawai!! so ready to have the orders and be done!

just trying to get thru the day and ignore people who say i am strong when i know i am far from that... i am just surviving or atleast attempting to survive

1 more payment

finally my visa and hubby's star are officially paid off!! woohoo and so is best buy (thanks to someones christmas gift it took an extra month)

next is chase (hubbys) and dell which next month will be!!

after that there will only be the cars, car insurance (which we will always have), cell (always have), dentist (will have for the next few months but no interest), and sallie mae (goal to pay check off with taxes)!!

other then those we are good and after the next phase of training we are off to buy a house so in 2.5 years or so we will have even better credit and money saved for a down payment on a hosue and a house!!

so excited!! now just gotta get thru the next few weeks, get back to hawaii (yuck) and wait on official orders!! we have some ideas on where we are gonna stay and looks like monkey and i will do space a so we only need to spend a ticket to illinious which i am ok with (maybe $200-for the two of us)...

so now its time to figure out what to wear and make sure thephotographer is go to go!!

ahhhhh almost there, thank god! lets hope things go well :/

almost over

so deployment number 3 is almost over!! thank god

sadly though the hubby didnt knock me up :( over r&r... so hopefully its not the number when question when we visit his family cause i may freak out! ugh so not thrilled

i guess maybe i am just meant to only have one baby :( i love my daughter more then anything i just never thought i would only have one and loss one once i got married...

anyways short post i know but gotta start packing and getting things in order to move

the waiting sucks

boy does it suck waiting to here ok i am i the states you can pick me up this time and date!!but its coming soon and i am so ready!! he said he is trying to take as much time as possible so he doesnt have to leave before christmas :)

other then that i hate my job but finally went to the higher ups about the guy i work with who spends a good amount smoking and tuesday napped!! ya you read that right napped for a good amount of the shift while i did the work! so i vented to the pharmacist and she was just as annoyed!

well r&r thank god is soon then we move to michigan then we start to figure out the welcome home and moving back to hawaii

ahhhh atleast we dont have to deal with the ball and that drama! some wives need a smack!

another birthday deployed

yup today is my 30 birthday and the hubby is deployed! suprise suprise... he called but has to do his job so it sucks cause instead of a fun happy birthday its one where all i wanna do is cry...

no many friends/family remembered even with facebook telling you but i guess that shows i am unimportant and always have been... just trying to get thru the rest of today and tonite without crying which so far hasnt been the easiest... cried while skyping with the hubby... i wish i could tell him how depressed i am and that every day i think about smashing my car into a tree :( i know i should see someone but i dont want to be put on meds just in case i do get pregnant during r&r... i love my daughter more then anything and i hope i am not making her antisocial... next year i am gonna put her in daycare so she can play with kids and i am not there... she does at the gym right now but a few times i have seen her play by herself next to kids (read that is normal for 2 but so stresses me out i am doing a bad job)...
beening going to the gym alot but i dont notice much difference, trainer says he does so lets hope he is right! i have realized if i do jumping jacks i will pee myself if i dont go the bathroom immediately! lol the price of having a baby i guess

well other then that nothing has been going on much... jsut preparing for r&r- vegas and a roadtrip to hubbys family... hopefully it goes well... well back to hanging with my monkey before work (you on my birthday)

this day can go faster i have no problems even just skipping it all together... even as a kid i wished i wasnt born you would think this feeling would go away but nope...


stay safe my love we are almost done

been a bit

sorry things have been cyrazy! i started working 10pm to 8am i know i am crazy... then i come home and take care of my daughter (its only 4 days so its not that bad plus its extra money for our family!) i also started going to the gym! i even started seeing a trainer 3 days a week... my goal is to get is great shape by decemeber which the trainer said is a great possiblity!! i have been doing spin, pilates, and yoga each kicking my ass!! monkey still does her two classes one being dance which she loves both! in the am at the gym if i go there is daycare so she plays with kids and at nite hangs with my parents... then if its a work day her and i hang out and snuggle before she goes to bed and i head to work...

with the hubby, the missions have increased and longer outtings :( but doesnt seem to be as many blackouts!!(knocking on wood)... today we skyped till he got kicked off and he told me he cant reenlist till next year due to all the changes the military is doing, also if they make him redue the selection process of sf he is not sure he wants to or even stay in! i freaked out!! i know i shouldnt have but i did cause he still has a year and i have no desire to return and live in hawaii for a year! plus if we get pregnant (and not lose the baby) i will completely stressed over what will happen and where we will go! before the deployment he talked about staying in till retirement (it use to be till they kicked him out) cause no point in getting out if by his time up it will be 9 years so why not stay in for 20... i said thats fine and was even fine with special forces... he wouldnt deploy for 2 1/2 years cause of training and going medic meant he would have medical background and could do emt or actually go to school and maybe be a doctor (if he wanted)... of course today he says well i can be a cop! hellz no no way!! i liked the idea of moving near campbell and being close but not extremely close to family... and with the military we have security- housing, paycheck, insurance, food!! yes the hours suck sometimes and he misses time with us but that could happen in any job maybe not as long time away but still!! i honestly dont know i wish we could have talked more but he couldnt get back on i guess or was too annoyed with the getting signed off... so hopefully he will call/text while at work and we can just look at some pros and cons... maybe we should wait til r&r but i still think staying in even if its only till 10 year mark is better then getting out at 9 years?? right???

ugh i dont know i just needed to get it out... now its till to snuggle and put away laundry before work :(