strong

its a word that everyone says about being an army spouse... its a word my family and friends say i am but honestly if they really knew...

i dont mean just my army friends or my civilian friends say about me random people...

i am far from strong i just survive, i just go day by day... i honestly struggle silently but struggle... my heart breaks, my anxiety increases, my depression is thru the roof... the only time thing that keeps me alive is my daughter but there are some days i can barely get out of bed :( i just want to curl up and just cry all day but i cant.. i love my daughter more then anything adn my husband, even though i wonder if he really loves me... i think about cutting more then ever especially during a deployment because that is when i feel the most alone...

i know there are other wives going thru the deployment with me but i just feel so alone i guess trusting people is so hard and as i get older and met more people trusting is so hard since the last few people i have met have been so horrible and fake! i honestly cant open up anymore and be come more closed off and probably even worse to be around... there are days i just want to cut and not be around

but this is almost over and even better we are leaving hawai!! so ready to have the orders and be done!

just trying to get thru the day and ignore people who say i am strong when i know i am far from that... i am just surviving or atleast attempting to survive

1 more payment

finally my visa and hubby's star are officially paid off!! woohoo and so is best buy (thanks to someones christmas gift it took an extra month)

next is chase (hubbys) and dell which next month will be!!

after that there will only be the cars, car insurance (which we will always have), cell (always have), dentist (will have for the next few months but no interest), and sallie mae (goal to pay check off with taxes)!!

other then those we are good and after the next phase of training we are off to buy a house so in 2.5 years or so we will have even better credit and money saved for a down payment on a hosue and a house!!

so excited!! now just gotta get thru the next few weeks, get back to hawaii (yuck) and wait on official orders!! we have some ideas on where we are gonna stay and looks like monkey and i will do space a so we only need to spend a ticket to illinious which i am ok with (maybe $200-for the two of us)...

so now its time to figure out what to wear and make sure thephotographer is go to go!!

ahhhhh almost there, thank god! lets hope things go well :/