over and almost 3 weeks home

so he made it home safe... thankfully the ceremony was at a decent hour and an awesome friend did my hair and makeup... even better got a professional photographer who did decent being the fact she had someone else to do to!

i also took pics for my friend and i seem to have gotten better ones for her well i mean like the kissing ones but hey everyone expects different things right?

well we rented a nice condo for a couple of weeks and now we are renting a okay apartment... a nice friend lives by, which is nice... it just would feel better to never have to go to hawaii again, i know everyone would say i am crazy but hawaii to me is just a place that destroys our marriage and i dont know if this continues i will ever get happy... we never talk without it turning into a fight and i dont feel comfortable going here to see someone since the last person said they push drugs to fix the problem... to bad i will just want to die more :(

well other then my depression being bad and my husband not noticing, we were trying for baby number 2 but it didnt happen this month guess i am only meant to have one... :/

we are waiting on orders and the waiting sucks... but hopefully soon... just so ready to find happiness and staying here is making it not seem like it will ever happen...

oh and the soldier that had our stuff lost our fucking couch! seriously who loses a couch!!?? ya not cool so we havent paid him yet the money we owe.. and not to mention i am not allowed to say anything...errr

well this will be the last post for this blog since he is home safe maybe when we start a new blog about our new adventure if it happens... fingers crossed we last cause its not looking so good from my point of view

sorry i know depressing atleast he made it home safe just wish i was more important then video games and his work :(

strong

its a word that everyone says about being an army spouse... its a word my family and friends say i am but honestly if they really knew...

i dont mean just my army friends or my civilian friends say about me random people...

i am far from strong i just survive, i just go day by day... i honestly struggle silently but struggle... my heart breaks, my anxiety increases, my depression is thru the roof... the only time thing that keeps me alive is my daughter but there are some days i can barely get out of bed :( i just want to curl up and just cry all day but i cant.. i love my daughter more then anything adn my husband, even though i wonder if he really loves me... i think about cutting more then ever especially during a deployment because that is when i feel the most alone...

i know there are other wives going thru the deployment with me but i just feel so alone i guess trusting people is so hard and as i get older and met more people trusting is so hard since the last few people i have met have been so horrible and fake! i honestly cant open up anymore and be come more closed off and probably even worse to be around... there are days i just want to cut and not be around

but this is almost over and even better we are leaving hawai!! so ready to have the orders and be done!

just trying to get thru the day and ignore people who say i am strong when i know i am far from that... i am just surviving or atleast attempting to survive

1 more payment

finally my visa and hubby's star are officially paid off!! woohoo and so is best buy (thanks to someones christmas gift it took an extra month)

next is chase (hubbys) and dell which next month will be!!

after that there will only be the cars, car insurance (which we will always have), cell (always have), dentist (will have for the next few months but no interest), and sallie mae (goal to pay check off with taxes)!!

other then those we are good and after the next phase of training we are off to buy a house so in 2.5 years or so we will have even better credit and money saved for a down payment on a hosue and a house!!

so excited!! now just gotta get thru the next few weeks, get back to hawaii (yuck) and wait on official orders!! we have some ideas on where we are gonna stay and looks like monkey and i will do space a so we only need to spend a ticket to illinious which i am ok with (maybe $200-for the two of us)...

so now its time to figure out what to wear and make sure thephotographer is go to go!!

ahhhhh almost there, thank god! lets hope things go well :/

almost over

so deployment number 3 is almost over!! thank god

sadly though the hubby didnt knock me up :( over r&r... so hopefully its not the number when question when we visit his family cause i may freak out! ugh so not thrilled

i guess maybe i am just meant to only have one baby :( i love my daughter more then anything i just never thought i would only have one and loss one once i got married...

anyways short post i know but gotta start packing and getting things in order to move